PILOTS EXPOSED: 10 Things (plus one) you always wanted to ask a Pilot (Part 1)

Pilots, often misunderstood.  A unique breed of humans.  After answering flight attendant questions, I thought it would be fun to bring in the other part of this aviation equation; those damn pilots.  I selected a few of my co-workers that come from different backgrounds to see what they have to say about things.

My teenage nephew wants to be a pilot? What is the most efficient way for him to get started?

“Get any old degree and fly on the side while at school or go to one of the many flight schools that offer pilot ratings and transitioning to regional airlines.”

“Many colleges have flight programs. You can also just go to your local airport flight school to get your licenses. There is a company called “All ATP’s” that is a fast track flight school. It is probably the fastest but not necessarily the best quality training.”

What do pilots usually transition to after retirement?

Paying off the ex wives. Hahah! But seriously, many have hobbies that they pursue such as cars, working on their homes or going full time to the business they started on the side. Some also like to continue flying either out of choice or out of necessity.

Most pilots just simply retire. The ones that want to continue flying usually move over to corporate flying because there is no age limit for private or corporate flying.

Of all the major metropolitan cities in the US, what is the worst airport to fly in and out to?

I would say Laguardia.

I think my top ten most hated airports would be: New York LaGuardia, Newark, New York JFK, Detroit, Chicago Midway , Chicago Ohare, LAX, Dallas Ft. Worth , Washington Dulles, Atlanta.

When you do announcements, are you aware that no one gives a shit about winds in the north, south, east and west?

100% aware! Just saying shit to make a full sentence.

Most of what we say in the announcements is scripted by the airline we work for. We are told what to say regarding the flight. Believe it or not there is a company approved template for our announcements that we are supposed to follow.

What is up with your layover outfit? Its either super stiff (ironed jeans with a belt) or super sloppy (cargo pants and Costco shoes).  Like seriously, we can pick you guys out from a mile away in a hotel lobby.

I often wonder about that myself!! Me personally, I like cargo pants, t shirt and casual shoes. The objective is to pack as little as possible and not lug around 3 pairs of shoes.

The layover clothes say a lot about your personality. There are a lot of Dorks in the pilot world that became pilots so they could feel like they were somebody. These guys are usually very by the book and a total pain in the ass to fly with. There are also a bunch of slackers that got into the business because they are lazy and thought this could be an easy job. Their laziness is usually reflected in their wardrobe as well. Unfortunately “normal people” tend to be the lesser of the three categories.

You make on average, quadruple what flight attendants make.  Why do you like free airplane food and why can’t you cover the van tip?

Pilots are just plain old cheap. That stems from the way many of us were broke as hell learning to fly and even broker when we worked as a flight instructor. Never thought about picking up the van tip! I always tip the diver and leave a tip in the hotel.

Pilots are notoriously cheap because of all of the years of working on licenses, making little to no money and flying for super cheap companies that pay horrible wages for years. They get so used to making no money that by the time they do finally make a decent salary, they are stuck being frugal or cheap out of habit. I made $12,000 my first year working for an airline flying jets. We literally had a rule in our company operations manual that said we couldn’t pick up our food stamp checks in our pilot uniforms. Not even joking!

What do you and your co-pilot talk about for 6 hours?

How hot the flight attendant is on the crew, how the company is so screwed up, life, how much money the ex wife is taking, how big of a house one has, sometimes politics although, many won’t engage now that the idiot is in the office.

We usually just talk about normal everyday life, unless we don’t get along and then it’s really quiet for the entire trip. There are a few topics that are “off limits” such as religion, politics and anything that may be inflammatory in nature, because having a heated discussion in such tight quarters is not advisable.

The cockpit. Enclosed space. Is there such a thing as “cockpit fart etiquette” or you guys just let it all out? Do you acknowledge each others farts?

Depends on how bad it comes out if its acknowledged, We all know the wets ones stink!

“Fart Etiquette” I think most of us just let go and if it smells, we apologize and tell the other pilot to go on the oxygen mask for a while.

How many flight attendants have you ever slept with?

????????????….None

I am currently dating a flight attendant. I love her very much!😁

Do you think you’d ever get laid as much if you were NOT a pilot?

A really really good friend of mine told me in college that women want only two things……. “DICK and MONEY” Most pilots have a dick and the job usually pays well so you could expect more Pootang because of those two. But, any Joe with money will get Tang. Shitttt, look at Trump, Who would screw that nasty mutha…Hahahaha!!

I have no idea how to answer this question. I never needed the job to boost my confidence.

BONUS QUESTION: How gay on the road are you?

Personally, I am “Strictly Clittly” Meaing, if it don’t have a CLiTT, I Ain’t With ITT!!! Hahahahaha

NOT GAY AT ALL! Although I do know of guys that are. Don’t ask, don’t tell. None of my business, I still have to work with these guys. Refer to the previous question of “things you don’t discus in the cockpit.